sugartears's Xanga

Sugartears

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 19:42:32 GMT

This is my only account online with the user name "sugartears".

I used this because I was very depressed at the time. I have always been the type of girl who is prone to crying. I'd do my best to hide it. The kind of person who cries themselves to sleep. My tears were made of sugar. They were so sweet. They were the only things that ever comforted me.

Later on after I created this account, the crying diminished a lot, but it resurfaced my freshman year of college and again the 2nd semester of my sophmore year.

After an extremely introverted inspection type of summer, I don't think I'll get these crying bouts again. In the very least, if I get one, I'll know exactly why its happening.

It feels really good.

A doctor once asked me "What reason do you have to be depressed? You can afford me. You go to school. What have you got to be depressed about? You haven't even started life."

But that was why I was depressed. I hadn't started life. And I felt like I never would. I thought I was doomed to an unfulfilled, passionless way of life dictated by others. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted and the way I was living made it impossible for me to ever find out. Hence, the crying. The constant feeling of "not good enough". Feeling like I needed others to validate myself. Always feeling offended by the slightest thing. Lack of confidence. An extreme amount of bundled frustration. And there are so many ways (good and bad) to release that. I'd ask "Why am I alive?". I wasn't living for myself. And I certainly wasn't ever good enough to live for someone else. Confusion. Confusion is one of the things i hate most in the world.

I always just blamed my parents, but I realized that I was really the biggest person holding me back. Once I demanded my right to live from myself, it affected everything...

I guess I'll have to tell you my life-philosophy once I feel like I've confirmed it. But, this explains why I dislike thinking about my childhood. And why I love so much to share my experience or "mentor" others.

Long Time, huh?

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 01:18:10 GMT

Linda and I were looking through old xangas. Man, some of y'all were depressed as hell. Don't worry, so was I. Haha! Though, I don't think I showed it in my xanga. I tried very hard not to because I knew my sad feelings would pass and that they weren't so important. I wouldn't want to look back and see that is what I blogged about on a site that was so popular. I also totally love my taste of music on this Xanga. ;D
(I did plenty of "What a world, what a world!!" in a personal blog that I didn't tell most people about. The website used to popular, but not among our age-range at that time. Now, its kind of obsolete in America. Kind of like xanga only its not even trying. Russia seems to like it these days.)

And I notice that I still came back every 6 months or so, huh? Haha! I think its just because every now and then I would find a very interesting person who was still using xanga and be like "Oh, yah!".

Anyway, its fun to update every now and again on this. It looks like I was really big into education research and psychology when I was xanga-ing. I've kind of dropped interest in education and realized my interest in psychology was more toward the social side. Sociology. And even world-travel.

I don't think IB needs to die anymore. In fact, IB was one of the few highlights of my education overrall. Unfortunately, I was the right kind of student for the IB education, but not for the IB requirements. Which is actually a situation I have been dealing with up to this point in college. Loving to learn, but unable to work. I wish I had realized that and opted for a different TYPE of education system. My mistakes were not made in vain. I love spending time mentoring others about these topics. :)

Heh, I do A LOT more than DDR dancing these days. ;) And I am no longer a runner, though if I could have a super power, it would be super speed because running fast and pakouring feel AMAZING.

Oh! And I have a new blog that is centered around health and beauty.
www.blaquebeautyblog.blogspot.com

I have that blog, then my "secret" personal blog, then a random thoughts blog that I hardly update, but the website its on is totally awesome for these type of blogs! My, oh my! How the internet has spread! Facebook, Twitter, Google, 12seconds, tumblr, and any other "What is that? Oh man, it might be a hit!" site you can think of! Times are always-a-changin'.

Passing of the Stick

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 03:23:42 GMT

The only thing I like about how stupid I've been in the past is that I know not to do it anymore and I can tell my younger friends and brothers so they won't make the same mistakes.

So my little brother is taking the PSAT. This test is MUY IMPORTANTE porque it is the fastest, most accessible gateway to the largest scholarships you could ever ask for. I tried to help my younger friend and I don't feel like she was really bringing it. Maybe she was, but the results weren't there and she's going to end up like me. A "Thanks for trying!" card. My little brother right now is scoring below what me and my friend did. But now I know my brother is very disciplined. I used to think "I can tell him this but he probably won't listen" but I see him testing and scoring every day. I'm proud of him, whether or not he scores high. He reminds me you can learn from even the people you're teaching.

Understanding Physics

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:32:35 GMT

Oh my gosh, you guys. Why didn't I think of it earlier? Howstuffworks.com and other websites that tell you how individual things work will help you a lot more than just trying to memorize formulas. I wish I had thought of it sooner. It's nice to get "Oh my gosh, that makes sense!" moments in this class, finally.

So, I'm going to spend the next hour or two asking "How does a resistor work?" "How does a battery work?" "How do capictors work?" "How does a magnetic field work?" before I do more problems.

If you are doing electromagnetism, a good analogy to think of things is to pretend the current is a flow of water. The pressure is the voltage. Etc.

As for how I'm doing, my body has been acting very strangely. Being hungry all the time. Headaches. I have this terrible crick in my neck lasting up to 2 weeks, now. I don't get it.

The Solution to Physics

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 06:01:56 GMT

We figured it out. We decided to all put in our answers together. The 3 of us girls. Plus our 2 friends who study with us. Then I arbitrarily told a girl in lab we were doing it and I didn't expect her to actually come. Then I called 2 more friends and they brought one more. Then a few more kids randomly walked in. And we all walked out with As.

I think I figured out this professor's plan. Touche, Prof. Vega... and thank you! :)

The other reason I'm feeling so bright is that this coffee mask is working.

This stuff really works. After you grind your coffee, mix it with honey (or not, it still works) and slather it up! I swear by this, dude. At least once a week.

Hip Hop Saved My Life

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 13:11:30 GMT

I think hip hop and country have a lot in common. A lot of people hate the genres and a lot of people claim the genre saved their life. Unfortunately, I'm not as in tune with country to talk about it much as I am with hip-hop, but here is something I don't understand about the hip. Why do the fans feel the need to defend it?

I hear a lot of "hip hop is dead". Now, granted, I've also heard a lot of "Rock is dead," but that's as far as it goes. When you hear "hip hop is dead" it then turns into a whole debate. A whole army of words to try and defend hip hop so it can still be considered art. Or music. Or whatever it is they are hoping for. Is that necessary?

If everyday pop music doesn't need defending, electronic music, rock music, RnB music, and is all still acceptable, why do we have to defend hip-hop?

So, at least I, am not going to spend my time defending hip hop music anymore. Its unjust to feel the need to.

Fourth of July

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 04:55:48 GMT

If you know me, you know that I don't celebrate American holidays very well. That's changed now, considering that I've just had the best 4th I could have even imagined.

I was invited to a beautiful home, had some great food and drinks, met some really cool people. I saw fireworks (in person! Not on TV, hah!). I went swimming. And had an interesting encounter with the police.

I have photos, but I am too lazy to upload them yet. You can check my fb later. I just wanted to update to say that socially, I have never been so happy.

When it comes to physics, I'm still frustrated as ever. I swear, I am going to figure out a way to handle this and when I do, I'll be sure to share it.

Welcome to the Greek Life

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 05:13:38 GMT

Okay, so I just finished my addiction with that ABC show called "Greek". Finished all 22 episodes.

Uhm, you know, I did want to join a panhellenic (or... "white") sorority for a little while. I went to some of their "Wanna join us? Come to XXX" events. It was very nerve racking. I remember the pledge recruiter looking me up and down when I came into the house with sneakers. I just felt very judged. It felt very political. I didn't really understand what I was supposed to be doing. After watching this show, I am very glad I didn't fully commit to joining and that I wore sneakers that disgusted my recruiter.

Sometimes I wish I was in one. I guess for its glamourized moments. But I'm sure, it would be one of those things that would become a chore for me.

As for the black sororities... I really admire the AKAs. I think if I joined a black sorority, I wouldn't feel as uncomfortable. I feel like I'd have a strong bond and desire to be a part of it -- which is something I am not ready for. I'm actually wondering if it was a good idea to join the engineering frat.

As for my opinion on Greek life, I think this show does a good job at showing how panhellenic greek life can/does dominate a campus. This show reminded me that when you join things like this, they make a big deal out of things you don't really care about (my roommate told me something like that. She said "I feel like highschool... 'remember to come to XXX and support YYY!' "). You would forget that there is life outside of what you are in. But I'm sure its also great fun. As for the other greeks, I'm not sure. There isn't much talk about academic frats and such. I'll get back to you when the Fall semester stars.

He is quite an artist.

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 16:17:09 GMT

I took a break from studying and hung out with some cool guys jammin' away. I felt it. I danced. And one of them slipped a note in my purse. He wants me to model for him. I sent him an email and I got a poem back:

"Indeed we did and I witnessed
you enthrall with Terpsichore's ecstasies
Giving testament to the lithe capabilities
your physical prowess posseses
A graceful trance you weaved
in your footsteps lattice
give forward a musical lilt
to entwine with the beauty
of your physical flow."

I've never had a poem written about me before. Heh.

Wow. Long Time, friend...

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 05:48:25 GMT

I haven't been on here in years. Wow. Reading back, this journal was so restricted. Kind of like those blogs with just enough information to make you feel you have peered into a person's life just enough, but still want to know more.

Well, I moved to livejournal where I post much more openly and expressively. Uhm, I go to SMU, now. :) I'm a Sophmore. Its weird. Its one of those things you know will happen but don't really think about. Like having a child who's 14 years old or your little brother graduating. Its so wonderful to be out of the house. My earlier posts are as restricted as I was. Now, I can actually live life. It tastes. Amazing. Let me tell you.

I came back for two people. One is a boy who went to A-kon (Yes, I finally went to that! College freedom is sweet) and another is a beautiful, talented girl with a fetish for beauty and fashion.

I guess it would be cool to start blogging here again now that it's less of a fad. I don't have to deal with any blinking mouse cursors or anything now.

At the moment, I am in summer school studying Physics. I have unleashed Procrastination's ugly head (I thought I had slayed that beast! It is too mighty...) and I haven't reviewed my materials for today. That means I'm going to feel rushed, scared, and nervous when I study for my test. That means more chance of making a bad grade. So let me try to muster something before I hit the hay.

Nice to see you again. :)